


Dear diary, I'm...

by shiro_with_blueberries



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Diary/Journal, M/M, god this one's very gay, his gay feelings, it's Tsuzuru writing down his feelings, tsuzukazu, tsuzukazuweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:33:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28902705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiro_with_blueberries/pseuds/shiro_with_blueberries
Summary: Day 4: FluffTsuzuru decides to write down all his feelings towards Kazunari to find out where his anger comes from. The situations he encounters really make him wonder what was going on in his mind every time.
Relationships: Minagi Tsuzuru/Miyoshi Kazunari
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29
Collections: TsuzuKazu Week 2021





	Dear diary, I'm...

I don't want to get mad anymore. I don't know where it comes from every time Miyoshi pisses me off so much to the point of ignoring him, even knowing how much it hurts him. I never stop and think about it, and act on a whim, and then it's too late to take it back. It pains me a lot, too, but I'm even more worried about him. I would hate me if I was in his skin, and I definitely don't want him to hate me. That's why I'm writing down my feelings, to guess where's that coming from, and release my chest from those intrusive thoughts that tell me what a bad person I am. Every thought about him, every feeling, I'll write it down. I hope it works.

***

_"Hey, Tsuzuroon! What are you up to?"_

_Kazunari peeked over his shoulder before he could answer. Tsuzuru tried not to scold anyone for scaring him and focused on what he wanted to do._

_"Just preparing some cereal."_

_"Oooh, a late-night snack! I want some too!" But, before he could grab a bowl, he stopped to stare at the way Tsuzuru poured some milk over his cereal. "Tsuzuroon, you're doing it wrong."_

_Tsuzuru rose an eyebrow at that sudden serious tone._

_"Hm?"_

_"You know I usually respect everyone's opinions and I'm open-minded and stuff, but I think there's a limit to everything. Milk always goes before cereal."_

_Tsuzuru now understood where this was headed to. However, he knew himself. He acted very childish whenever Kazu was around, and that usually led to him being mad and grumpy for too long. He didn't want that, so he tried to dodge his game._

_"Focus on your cereal, I'll do the same with mine."_

_He opened the microwave, and Kazu let go a huge gasp that scared Tsuzuru once again._

_"You're NOT gonna warm that up, are you?"_

_"Mind your business, will you?"_

_He put his bowl in the microwave while Kazunari kept exaggerating the whole situation._

_"Dude, you're not preparing cereal, you're preparing some kind of nasty porridge. Are you seriously gonna eat that?"_

_Tsuzuru was pretty patient with almost everyone, and he trained for years with his brothers to get that ability. Still, he knew that his patience completely disappeared when it came to Kazunari._

_"Look, I'll eat my cereal like I want to, okay? I like to pour milk after cereal because I can calculate how much I'll eat like that, and I'm warming it up because it's winter. You drink cold milk in winter? Maybe you're the weird one!"_

_"Cold?? No, no. You don't understand. Look. I'm gonna explain nice and slowly for you, yeah? See." He grabbed a bowl and started talking and acting as if this was some kind of difficult recipe. "You take milk from outside the fridge... and then pour some cereal over it... et voilà! Nice and crispy! And if you're hungrier, repeat the process!"_

_A "ding!" coming from the microwave made Tsuzuru's killing gaze turn towards his meal._

_"I like them like this."_

_Kazunari kept complaining as he followed him towards the sofa. Their debate kept going on for a while, until everyone went to sleep. Then, it led to other issues, and they finished their cereal. While moving around on the couch and discussing many silly things they ended up laying down on the floor somehow, upside down, ear against ear and staring at the ceiling._

_"I just think that the media tends to shame people for their tastes. Like, as soon as you have an opinion similar to the wide majority, you get that sense of power and justice whenever you call people out" Tsuzuru lazily said in something close to a whisper, mind already wandering around further lands, like where does justice reside or who gets to choose what's good and bad._

_"I absolutely agree. But I have to say, I think these kinds of discussions are a good thing as long as you know your limits. No one should seriously get mad because of this kind of stuff, or attack someone out of fear of being wrong. You know what I mean?" Kazu's tone of voice was pretty much the same. No one else was around, but everyone was sleeping, and they were so close there was no need to be loud._

_"Absolutely. People are so scared of being wrong they tend to justify themselves even if no one attacked, making it look like an attack itself."_

_"Yeah... hey, did we really end up talking about this because of the cereal?" Kazunari turned to look at Tsuzuru, who met his eyes almost immediately. Because of the angle, both of them had to guess the other was smiling judging by his eyes._

_"I guess we did, yeah."_

_"What time is it anyways?"_

_"Are you tired?"_

_"Not really."_

_"Let's talk a bit more, then."_

I just got to my room. It's 4am. I seriously thought I didn't need to sleep tonight as long as I kept talking with Miyoshi. It's been so long since I last engaged in a conversation to this level, even if it started with... cereal. Well. Somehow, I think it was special because of him. Miyoshi knows so many interesting things, and to think that I almost forgot what it felt like to talk with him like this...

We did it a lot back in high school. He always asked random things, and I found how his brain came to that particular place amusing. We would think, and share lots of thoughts, but I ended up being mad almost every time. I can’t quite remember why, though. We were as close as tonight. Maybe it's because now I know I have no rational reason to get mad? I wonder.

But I felt like time didn't go by at all. I had some sort of bubbly feeling in my chest, and my cheeks hurt from smiling, and I don't know where it started. Maybe this is what I was trying to avoid. Still, it definitely feels better than getting mad. He was smiling too, and that's what matters. I really don't want to make him suffer anymore. I want to share more thoughts and fight over insignificant stuff only to end up talking about life while looking at the emptiness of the ceiling. I really want to. If I could have stayed like that forever, I definitely would have.

...What am I saying? I guess it's too late. This sounds like a future Tsuzuru problem.

***

I guess I had many feelings today. I don't quite get it, though. It was a very daily situation, nothing special, but since I was trying to be very aware of my feelings, I noticed many things. I'm starting to wonder whether this was a good idea or not.

_Tsuzuru was in a bad mood. Izumi asked him to go shopping, and of course he did, but there wasn't anyone else to go with him, and the shopping list was remarkably long. His frown was very noticeable while he was walking towards the store. That was, until he saw Kazunari walking towards him, too focused on writing something on his phone. He didn't try to find an explanation when his moody expression completely changed into a wide smile._

It was like finding just what you were craving on the fridge, or like when you write down just what you were trying to express. I guess that's precisely what I'm not doing right now. Let's just say it was like a breeze of fresh air which also blew away any other thing that was wandering in my mind.

_“Hey! Miyoshi!”_

_When those green eyes met his, a certain light was lit on them. His lips seemed to mimic the curve that was already painted on Tsuzuru’s face._

_“Tsuzuroon! You out for shopping?”_

_A sigh couldn’t be repressed by Tsuzuru, and it’s not like he tried to anyway._

_“Yeah… no one could come along.”_

_“Then I’ll do it!”_

Why did it make me so inexplicably happy? I couldn’t say anything in all the way, because I was trying to figure that burning feeling inside of my chest out. Miyoshi didn’t say anything, either. It felt weird, but somehow comfortable, even if I like it when he talks a lot, too. I really do enjoy his company every time. Why I run away from it, is something that has stopped making sense to me at this point.

We got to the store and I think I’ve never spent so long shopping. We laughed and talked a lot, even if I can’t quite remember what it was about. It still feels special. I was in a bubble, and he was in it, too. That made me notice many things aside from the fact that I was too happy. Like that expression he makes when he’s about to say something dumb and he knows, tensing his lips while trying to repress a premature laugh. Or how he puckers up his lips when he’s reading something. Or how much I look at his lips.

While coming back home, when all of the streets were painted in a bright orange, I still felt like floating. We kept talking about anything that came to mind. I think I didn’t look at him not even once, because I could sense something close to fear of doing so. But I also really wanted to stare at him, like when he laughed, and I didn’t, and made everything weird because I was too focused on trying to remember all the things that made me feel to write them down later. But I had to look at him after a certainly long silence I didn’t even notice until it was broken.

_“Everything’s so fun with you, Tsuzuroon. I’m so glad you found me.”_

I don’t know whether that was supposed to be about just before, or he was actually thinking about that band-aid I lent him years ago. In any case, it made me feel many things, along with that face I had already memorised shining under the last rays of sun I somehow envied for being able to touch him so freely. My death sentence is pretty much signed, I guess. I really don’t want to be scared of it anymore.

***

I guess I know one of the reasons why I have so little patience with Miyoshi, aside from this feeling of safety it somehow invades me, making me believe in the illusion that I can act in a childish way when he’s around. It gives me a sense of control for once, because I’ve noticed he’s the one truly guiding my feelings when it comes to him. I lose power, and I can only be aware of it, but not make it change. Every gesture awakens something, makes me give in to these feelings a bit more. I feel powerless. I don’t think I

_“Tsuzuroon! What are you up to?”_

_Kazunari suddenly showed up over his shoulder, and he didn’t think twice when he closed the screen. Of all the possible people, it had to be him._

_“Uhm! Nothing!”_

_“What? Is it a secret?” Kazu jokingly asked as he sat on a chair in front of him. “Are we finally doing burlesque?”_

_“What!? No. What!?!? No!!! Is- is that a thing you want to do!?”_

_“What are you imagining, Tsuzuroon?”_

_Tsuzuru frowned, falling for his teasing tricks, as Kazu chuckled, satisfied by that reaction._

_“Its… it’s just something personal…”_

_“Oh! Like a diary?”_

_“…I suppose you could call it that.”_

_“Woah! I wouldn’t have guessed you write this kind of thing! Can I see? A tiny little bit? What were you writing about right now?”_

_Of course, the person he was writing about asking that question made Tsuzuru feel overwhelmed. Only by thinking that he could read it made his guts twist and his blood boil. That was not going to happen, no matter what._

_“It’s none of your business, stop it already!”_

_He guessed that was too abrupt, since Kazunari immediately stopped, and he wasn’t jokingly smiling anymore. Tsuzuru cursed inside of his mind._

_“Ah… I’m sorry. I overstepped. I know you don’t want anyone to bother you when you’re writing on the balcony, ha, ha. I’ll leave you alone.”_

_He took the iPad Tsuzuru noticed at that very moment and stood up, clearly intending to leave. And he would have, if something, or rather someone, stopped him by grabbing his wrist._

_“No, please. Stay. Sorry.”_

_It was a bit painful to see how surprised Kazunari was. Tsuzuru knew he should’ve stopped him so many times and apologised. The result of not doing so resulted in Kazu being scared of making him mad. But he stayed, cheeks covered by a red tone Tsuzuru couldn’t catch a glimpse of, since he was trying so hard to look away. Kazunari just turned his iPad on and started drawing something, not saying a word. Tsuzuru peeked at him before opening his laptop screen again._

Jeez. I’m a mess. I’m an absolute, ridiculous mess. I did that. And now I’m writing about him when he’s right there. This is very nerve-wracking. I released his wrist as soon as he looked back at me, because it felt like fire directly against the palm of my hand, but I’m already missing it, since it’s so cold. Plus, I’m fighting the urge to look at him above the screen. Nopes, I’m not fighting against it anymore. It’s just that his serious expression while he’s drawing attracts my pupils as if they were opposite magnets. It’s mesmerizing.

I really don’t know how to feel. Every single gesture he makes, every new thing about him I happen to notice, every banal thing becomes something precious if it’s him. It floods me, every single part of me. I could spend hours looking at that mole on his clavicle I just noticed, which feels as far as the sun, and it’s become as impossible to ignore. It also amuses me how skilled his hands are. I guess it’s to be expected, since he’s an artist, but it’s captured as something unique in my mind. He also bites his lips every now and then. I wonder if it’s because he messed up, or if he’s doing something difficult. And I wonder why I’m asking myself all of this.

_“Is something wrong?”_

_Of course, Kazunari ended up noticing how Tsuzuru kept stealing glances at him every now and then._

_“Ah… no, nothing”_

_There wasn’t an answer then. Just silence reigned as they faked trying to focus on their screen. Kazunari broke that silence once more._

_“You know I used to write a diary back in high school?”_

_That statement surprised Tsuzuru. He looked at him, but Kazu was back at drawing, and he didn’t stop._

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah. You know, lots of confusing feelings, figuring them out… that kind of stuff.”_

_Tsuzuru remembered how he mentioned being very different not much before they met. He guessed that must’ve been confusing and scary. And still, it was exciting to know they were the same in some way. And just when they met. What feelings did he try to write down by then?_

_“Interesting.”_

_“You think so? Well, you know, we all say that teen ages are confusing and all, but I don’t think it gets any better with time!_ _It’s a scam.”_

_Tsuzuru chuckled at his outrage towards life itself. And that curve refused to leave his lips._

_“I couldn’t agree more.”_

_Their eyes finally met when Kazunari rose his stare towards him. Tsuzuru didn’t want to break it, not even to write down all the things that started inside of him._

_“Cool to see we’re on the same wave!”_

_Tsuzuru could tell that was it. He couldn’t write down everything that was going on through the entirety of his body, it was just not possible. He broke eye contact to sum everything up, giving in that flooding feeling._

Dear diary, I’m madly in love.

**Author's Note:**

> Another collab with Rory!!! @/PurisuRisu on Twitter and link below for more wonderful fanart god really it's crazy aaaaaaaaaaaa Thanks to my beta too *smooches u* such patience...... Anygays, thanks for reading and, don't leave any comment in here. Nopes. Don't do it. (I'm tryna see if inverse psychology works on you guys) I'm kidding, I hope you liked it!!!!!!!!
> 
> https://twitter.com/PurisuRisu/status/1352378926488834048?s=20


End file.
